People get so frightened of practising mindfulness and they assume that it's living like a hippy and being all 'peace and love' and yes - it can be like that, but not for me. I'm more bohemian.
Mindfulness is the understanding of inner peace. Living for the moment, however good or bad is allowing yourself to release judgement and look for the silver lining. It is NOT however toxic positivity.
Toxic positivity is people that use the terms 'no bad vibes', 'keep smiling, it could be worse' and 'we don't quit' and even though I say we use it to find the silver lining, people that tell you that or 'look on the bright side' stop us from being human.
Mindfulness is a wonderful therapy to help you to find calm and balance in a world of chaos. It's an understanding that you cannot control everything coming towards you but can change how you manage and cope to recover.
I won't lie, I'm the worst at this when family say something and I reply with 'But did you die, though?' I'm my own toxic positivity-giving person, but my brain has educated me through loss, so to protect me mentally I react with that phrase. To be clear, my kids started me saying that and it really has helped me manage my confused emotions. Now I only say it to my mother because she reacts and I can't help myself sometimes. Hey, there's still an angry 16-year-old in me that likes to get a reaction.
I grew up in a home where the smallest thing was punished, everything felt like a trauma or a pain and my reactions would always be over the top. If I lost an item I would break down, rip apart drawers, destroy everything in my path to make sure I wouldn't feel like it was the end of the world.
I first used mindfulness after my breakdown. We had just got the house at Woodlands and we were slowly moving in over the weekends. A bit of furniture shifted and broke the windscreen of our car. When him indoors and the boy came home they braced themselves for my over-the-top reaction. Before I responded, I stopped myself and took a deep breath. I reminded myself we had car insurance, and after checking that they were both unharmed I didn't care. I said I'd organised for it to be fixed and that was it. Everyone was freaked out by my response and I carried on packing for our move. At that moment, I acknowledged that I can't control everything that happens in my life but can control how I react.
It also helped me understand that it's OK to cry, and I'm allowed to be angry about things. I can find what I personally find funny, but most of all I'm not living in my future or in my past and that's why it's amazing. I allow myself the moments I need on special anniversaries to remember the love that I lost and the pain is a reminder of how far I've come and what I've achieved, but also it's made me look at others differently.
My biggest lesson from mindfulness is letting go of my kids. People are so afraid of when their kids move on and leave they feel lost, alone and of no use. I'm not saying everyone feels like this but this is my own awakening. The thought of them leaving me filled me with fear and dread before my breakdown, always feeling the need to over-protect them because I grew up in a home with so much heartache that I never wanted them to suffer. By doing this I stopped them from living their life, living by their own rules and making memories because I was afraid. When I started to really think about it and after having a few quiet words with myself I changed the narrative. Instead of thinking 'Will they manage?', I started telling myself that I needed to show them how to manage and now I get to celebrate their successes with them but also offer a shoulder and an ear then they struggle with something. I no longer try to control their traumas - during my recovery we all had to walk our own path and I'm thankful we got there together.
We can't change our past, and we cannot predict our futures but we can learn to live in the now and the present and enjoy living life the way it should be.
It gives you a more clear idea of how to embrace life and weigh up the risks of something instead of blindly going in or completely missing out. It's knowing my personal limitations and giving myself the kindness I need to heal. I no longer look back on my life and think about what I've missed. I look back on all I've done with wonder, and somehow, pride - not that I'm not proud of the things I've done in my past, but pride in knowing I wouldn't do those things now, acknowledging that I've become a better person.
It's about my body and mind, and how they should be together to embrace the joys I do have in my life and not punish myself for being something someone told me I should be.
If you'd like to know more about mindfulness, I have an amazing course on how to start using this to benefit your everyday life. For just £27, you can learn how to go from Mind Full to Mindful in 30 Days. A 60-page workbook, planner, videos and private Facebook support group awaits you - book now here
Jo xx